Saturday, 12 September 2009

Film Review: Dorian Gray * *

Director: Oliver Parker
Starring: Ben Barnes, Colin Firth, Rebecca Hall
Certificate: 15

Pale faces? Check. Dark and dingy London setting? Check. Copious amounts of blood and guts? Double check. Yes, it’s another Victorian gothic-horror film and the clichés are out in full force for Parker’s third Oscar Wilde adaptation. Unfortunately, the truncation of the source material extends far beyond the title, leaving us with a half-baked, poorly-developed feature which could, and should, have been so much more.

The story follows Dorian Gray (Barnes), a young man whose youthful vitality and good looks make him the rising star of the London social elite. He meets Lord Henry Wotton (Firth) and quickly becomes a disciple of his decadent, pleasure-seeking philosophy. When an artist friend paints young Gray’s portrait, Dorian is so enraptured by the result that he wishes he could give up his soul in exchange for eternal youth and beauty. In a Faustian twist of fate, this is exactly what happens, but whilst Gray exploits the situation in order to satisfy his carnal desires, the painting gradually changes to reflect the decaying state of his soul.

The first scene of the film, in which we see Dorian stab a man to death and then dispose of his body in the Thames, tells us in no uncertain terms where things are headed. It does seem, however, that the writers were a bit keen to reach that point. In an effort to get to the juicy bits, the plot progresses far too rapidly in the first thirty minutes, leaving unexplored the reasoning behind some of Dorian’s actions. His instant willingness to follow Wotton’s despicable lifestyle rings false and the decision to celebrate his engagement by having sex with prostitutes, then to immediately break off the engagement after an argument with his fiancé over said prostitutes is positively baffling.

Many people will forget the early behavioural inconsistencies once the sexing begins. Indeed, when the homosexual undercurrents, evident from the first, finally rise to the surface, it’s almost gripping. The lack of subtlety that plagues the entire film, however, results in the sex scenes being less thrilling than an advert for Magnum ice creams. The moral depravity is rammed down our throats to the extent that we become desensitised to the gruesome nature of later events.

The film is also let down by some questionable performances from the cast. Barnes may have youth and beauty, but the emotion of the central character is not complemented by his expressionless face. Rachel Hurd-Wood, as Gray’s short-lived fiancé, is atrocious. Firth, in an altogether adequate performance, provides us with the pithy one-liners that made Wilde famous. The star of the show, however, is undoubtedly Rebecca Hall, whose brief appearances as Wotton’s daughter are, truly, the highlights of an otherwise gloomy feature.

Verdict

Some poor acting and a dodgy first half-hour (not to mention the out-of-place CGI-haemorrhage that is the conclusion of the film) leave Dorian Gray looking more of a Rolf Harris than a Renoir.

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

In which I commit literary self-flagellation

I think most Russian language students would agree that one of the hardest questions to answer is ‘Why are you studying Russian?’ Unless you’ve started the course with a very specific aim in mind, it can be a little tricky coming up with a definite reason for why you decided to begin down the path to mental destruction. I know a lot of people who took the course because it was what was available to them through Clearing. Some take it because of a family connection – a Russian background or a parent who teaches the language. A few hold the mercenary viewpoint that it makes them look smarter than they actually are (usually the ones who don’t progress beyond being able to order a ham sandwich, but claim they can speak the language nonetheless). Others have an interest in a particular sector of Russian culture or society, such as history, music or literature.

I place myself firmly in the final category of Russian students. During my school years I read a lot of Russian literature – nothing too outlandish: a bit of Dostoevsky, Gogol, Pushkin and Chekhov every now and again. There was always something a little bit different about Russian literature; it definitely didn’t have the same feel to it as Western literature, but I was unable to put my finger on it. It was this mystery, plus the desire to one day be able to read some of those books I’d read in the original, which made me consider studying Russian at university. Three years later, I’m still no closer to understanding the Russian soul, but I can say that I’ve achieved my second aim.

Having progressed from terrible American novels which have been translated into Russian, through original Russian detective novels, up to classic and modern Russian short stories and novellas, I feel that it’s time to take the next step and tackle one of the big Russian novels. For this purpose I have downloaded a copy of Lev Tolstoi’s Anna Karenina (if you know where to look, you can download pretty much anything for free from Russian websites) and started on that. I make no secret of the fact that Tolstoi, along with Chekhov and Bunin, is one of the easier Russian classic writers for the Russian language student to read, but this is compensated for by the sheer size of the novel – my version runs to 932 pages.

As if this wasn’t enough, I recently decided to attempt (for the fourth time, I believe) to read War and Peace, also by Tolstoi, in English. Every time I’ve tried I get a little further – last time I managed to reach the part where Pierre joins the freemasons, maybe out 45% of the way through – so maybe this time I’ll succeed. The version I have has 1215 pages. Some of it’s in French too.

Why am I doing this to myself? I really don’t know – I suppose it just feels like something I have to have done before I finish my degree. If I stick at it, I’m fairly confident I can finish both before the end of the academic year. Maybe I should get some special funding for it…call it a humanitarian effort… Anybody want to sponsor me? I’ll keep you all updated on my progress through my blog posts. Starting now:

War and Peace (English): 96/1215
Anna Karenina (Russian): 27/932

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

Top 5 Most Memorable Russia Moments

#2 - 'Gamlet - Tochka G'
It was only a few days after I bought the ticket that I realised the title of the play translated as ‘Hamlet – G Spot’. Too late to back out now, of course – you can’t get a refund on theatre tickets. Not that I wanted to; I simply had to find out what this was about…purely in an investigatory capacity.

If this incident taught me anything, it’s that you shouldn’t buy tickets for something without doing a little research first. I saw the name of the play, focussed in on the word ‘Hamlet’, thought it would be a nice idea to compare what would obviously be a modern interpretation of the Shakespeare classic with a more traditional performance and bought a ticket. Having not found out anything about the play first, I later joked that it could be anything – even a strip show version of Hamlet. As it happens, I wasn’t too far off the mark…

My first clue came when I went online and did a quick search. One site described it as a show with an all-female cast made up of young girls with long hair and even longer legs. Several other sites made reference to the strip-tease nature of the show. Most reviews described it as crude, vulgar, amateurish and, in one case, just plain stupid (as with most things that are crap, there were one or two people who called it the highest form of art and decried naysayers as not having the necessary intellectual faculties to understand it). It was at this point that I realised what the title correctly translated at. Naturally I started to get a little concerned as to exactly what I was letting myself in for.

Nevertheless I sucked it up and went to see the show. Upon entering the hall I quickly noticed the woman sitting on the stage. She was dressed in a neon yellow sari-type thing and was sporting a black sequined eye-patch. My hopes that everything I had so far read about the play was a cruel Internet joke dropped rapidly. Once everybody was seated the woman stood up and gave a rather long speech. I didn’t understand everything she said, but from what I did catch it appears she was the writer and director and that she chose to have an all-female cast because she herself was a woman. Very deep stuff. She introduced all the girls and then the play began.

Essentially what followed was a performance of Hamlet where all the characters were dressed in eroticised Shakespearean costumes and, instead of acting their lines, merely spoke them whilst dancing in a strip-show fashion to a variety of strip-show songs. At one point Ophelia gives Hamlet a lap-dance and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern start spanking each-other. There was no actual sex or nudity (that was saved for the HIV play I saw a few weeks later), but it was still pretty raunchy. A few people left half-way through; everybody else was too shocked by the crassness to move. Applause at the end was fairly muted, but Patchy the Director milked it for all it was worth (and much more besides).

‘Gamlet – Tochka G’ will be what I think of now when somebody mentions Moscow, so it’s only fair that it appears high on my list of most memorable Russia moments. I hear you asking, though – what could possibly beat accidentally watching an almost-strip-show based on Hamlet and directed by a woman with a sequined eye-patch? I’m sure it won’t be too long before you find out…

Friday, 21 August 2009

Top Five Most Memorable Russia Moments

# 3 - First Snow in Yaroslavl

Nine times out of ten, the first question somebody asks you when you say you’ve been to Russia is ‘Is it really cold?’ The answer to this question is ‘yes, in winter’. In summer the temperature goes the other way, reaching the heady climes of mid-thirties from time to time. Coming back with a convincing tan always confuses people who automatically associate Russia with everything bad (a group of people I like to call ‘morons’).

But enough about them – this entry is all about my third most memorable Russia moment. The Russians in Yaroslavl were very particular about when the first snow of the season was supposed to fall. If I remember correctly they said it would definitely, one hundred percent, without a doubt snow on the fourteenth of October (fellow Yaro-siders please correct me if that date is wrong). Well, the fourteenth came and passed without a flake of the white stuff, much to our disappointment. In fact it was to be another month until we saw snow, but it was an event well worth the wait…

It was roughly two weeks before our departure from the town (so around mid-November). I had just told my bitch-host that I was going to a bar. She snorted and said ‘whatever’ (she actually did) and I grumbled insults to myself whilst getting ready. I stepped outside and was amazed to see that it was snowing and clearly had been for quite some time without me noticing. Now, this wasn’t the clumpy snow we get it in the UK – this was a very fine powder that sparkled in the light of the moon and the streetlamps. It was like someone had tipped over a bucket of glitter, the contents of which had been caught up by a gust of wind and was now swirling about in the air. It was actually quite magical.

Of course, nice things almost always have an immediate downside. The incredible fineness of the snow meant it settled and formed ice very quickly. The bar was only ten minutes from my abode, but I managed to slip over twice on the way there. Luckily it was a quiet night, so nobody saw me. As it happens I was not to be the last to fall victim to the icy clutches of ‘perviy sneg’ (first snow) that night. Upon leaving the bar a large group of us decided to traverse the town with no apparent aim in mind (unless we were purposefully going to McDonalds – I never was too sure on that). More treacherous ice patches had formed and it was not long before everyone was falling over. I, having already had the pleasure twice earlier, managed to stay on my feet and observe the carnage.

To cut a long story short, we made it to the fast-food outlet, people ate and I made a snow Cheburashka-head on a table. For those who don’t know, this is Cheburashka:

Such a freak...but so cute!

All in all it was an entertaining evening. The best part was that nobody got mugged.

OK, so it's just the top two to go now. Anybody who went to Moscow this spring may already be able to guess what those two events will be. Everybody else will find out in time. I'm moving into my house in Birmingham tomorrow and we don't yet have Internet there, so I guess you'll have to wait a bit longer for the next instalment.



Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Hypnotherapy - A Dialogue (Part 2 of 2)

“Empire State Building.”

“Ah, interesting.”

“It’s being demolished.”

“Oh.”

“It’s imploding. Falling in on itself and disappearing in a cloud of -”

“Open you eyes.”

“Don’t want to.”

“You WILL open your eyes. Now! Okay then…”

“So, do you have a prognosis?”

“I believe so. I believe you have a pathological urge to destroy the male of the species.”

“Which species?”

“Any species. Starting with the cactus and progressing to the Empire State Building you have demonstrated a keen desire to exterminate phallic symbols of all sizes. And with phallic symbols inevitably comes the phallus and, right behind that, the male.”

“I see…”

“Yes, Helen, I believe you are a danger to all men. Indeed, the closer a man is to you – emotionally, that is – the more likely it is that you will eventually attempt to kill him.”

“But, doesn’t that mean -”

“I can, however, solve this problem.”

“Oh good. I was starting to worry.”

“You want me to treat you?”

“Oh, yes! It wouldn’t do just to go around being the destroyer of all phalluses.”

“First I will place you back in a trance state. Ready?”

“Ready.”

“I want you to look at this watch. You are to keep your eyes steadily fixed on the watch. Clear your mind of everything except the watch. Nothing exists…except the watch. And the sound of my voice. That’s excellent. Can you hear me, Helen?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Now, Helen, I want you to forget everything that has occurred – that is, everything you have said, heard and otherwise experienced – from the start of our second session today, right up until this very moment. Okay, now I will implant a cue in your subconscious mind. Once you come out of the trance, the utterance of this cue by me will lead you to undertake a series of actions. Do you understand, Helen?”

“I understand.”

“That’s excellence. Now, your cue will be…cauliflower.”

“Cauliflower.”

“Yes, cauliflower. If you hear me say this cue you will undertake the following actions. You will leave this office. You will leave this building. You will approach the first man you see. You will seduce him. You will lead him back to your home. You will have rampant sexual relations with this man. You will continue these rampant sexual relations until precisely three o’clock this afternoon. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

“If your husband discovers you having these rampant sexual relations, you will say you no longer love him and ask for a divorce. This should neutralise any destructive feelings you may hold towards your husband. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

“You will obviously not recall these instructions once I bring you out of the trance, but the cue will remain lodged in your subconscious mind. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

“Excellent. Now, I’ll count down from five and when I reach one you will come out of the trance. Five…four…three…two…one. How do you feel?”

“I feel great now that I’m over this phobia. I feel…free!”

“Yes, getting over a phobia is always a liberating experience. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Well…I have this feeling that there’s something else that needs resolving – something hidden quite deep. Can you do anything about that?”

“I’m sure we can. I can book you in for another session next week or –”

“I was hoping we could, maybe, have another go right now.”

“Right now?”

“Yes, right now.”

“I’m afraid that’s impossible – I’ve got another client in a few minutes time. Maybe I can squeeze you in tomorrow?”

“That’d be great.”

“Okay, I’ll have a word with my secretary.”

“Thanks. I guess I’ll be off then.”

“Well, it was nice to see you.”

“You too – it’s so weird that I’ve never been here before, considering we’re with each other all the time at home.”

“They do say spouses should keep work and home life separate.”

“But that advice is only for newly married couples, surely? We’ve been together twenty-four years – we know each other inside-out.”

“Indeed we do.”

“I’d better get going. I need to go to the supermarket and pick up some stuff for dinner tonight. What time will you be home?”

“I’d say just before three.”

“Okay, see you then.”

“Okay…oh, Helen?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Don’t worry – you’ll never have problems with that cauliflower phobia ever again.”

Monday, 17 August 2009

Hypnotherapy - A Dialogue (Part 1 of 2)

“Should I shoot the cauliflower?”

“Do you want to shoot the cauliflower?”

“I don’t know. I…I guess not. No – I really don’t feel like it.”

“That’s excellent. That’s really good. Okay, I’m going to count down slowly from five and when I reach one you can open your eyes: five…four…three…two…one.”

“That was amazing. I feel so…free!”

“Yes, getting over a phobia is always a liberating experience. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Well…I have this feeling that there’s something else that needs resolving – something hidden quite deep. Can you do anything about that?”

“I’m sure we can. I can book you in for another session next week or –”

“I was hoping we could, maybe, have another go right now.”

“Right now?”

“Yes, right now.”

“Well, I normally wouldn’t recommend a second session straight after the first, but I think I can make an exception for you.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll have to put you under again.”

“No problem – do what you have to do.”

“Okay, here we go. I want you to look at this watch. You are to keep your eyes steadily fixed on the watch. Clear your mind of everything except the watch. Nothing exists…except the watch. And the sound of my voice. That’s excellent. Now, as I move my fingers from the watch towards your eyes, allow your eyelids to slowly close. That’s it – that’s good. Can you hear me, Helen?”

“Yes.”

“That’s excellent. I’m going to count down from five and when I reach one you will tell me what you see: five…four…three…two…one.”

“I see a cauliflower.”

“That’s just residue from our previous session. Watch as the cauliflower starts to shrink…it’s getting smaller…smaller still…you can hardly see it now…it’s gone.”

“It’s gone.”

“Yes, it’s gone. Now, you said you felt there was something hidden deep that needs resolving. Let’s start at the beginning of the thread. What do you see?”

“I see a cactus.”

“Describe it to me.”

“I don’t know – it’s just a cactus.”

“Is it a big, like one of those cacti you see in the desert?”

“No. It’s one of those little three-inch potted cacti you can buy from the garden centre.”

“Oh. Okay…how does this cactus make you feel?”

“Exhausted. Frustrated. Angry.”

“That’s excellent. Can you see anything else?”

“Yes.”

“What else can you see?”

“I see an axe.”

“Very interesting.”

“I want to use it.”

“I…well…I’m afraid it’s not quite time for that. Now, watch as both the cactus and the axe start to get smaller.”

“The cactus is already quite small.”

“Yes, alright. Just watch – they’re getting smaller…smaller…just a dot on your radar now…they’re gone.”

“They’re gone.”

“Something appears in their place. What is it?”

“A banana.”

“Well, that’s more like it.”

“I don’t like bananas.”

“Oh. So what do you feel like doing to this banana?”

“Squash it.”

“Excuse me?”

“I want to squash it. Flatten it. Destroy it.”

“That’s…excellent. Let’s move on. The banana’s now gone.”

“It’s gone.”

“What do you see now?”

“A bigger banana.”

“Forget about the bananas. Bananas will not lead to progression. What comes after the banana?”

“A snake. A great, long…”

“That’s excellent.”

“…poisonous…”

“Hm.”

“…snake. It needs to be destroyed.”

“Who can do that?”

“I can.”

“But do you need to?”

“Yes. I’m going to strangle it.”

“Don’t do that!”

“Why not?”

“Because…oh look! It’s getting smaller…smaller…”

“Come back, snake, so I can finish you!”

“Smaller, smaller, gone.”

“Gone.”

“Gone. Dare I ask what you see next?”

TO BE CONTINUED

Saturday, 15 August 2009

Top Five Most Memorable Russia Moments

# 4 - Train to Yaroslavl from St Petersburg

If there’s one thing in this world that I love, it’s overnight travelling on a Russian train. Specifically, overnight travelling in a ‘platskartniy’ (approx. second-class) carriage on a Russian train – anybody paying for ‘kupe’ (first-class compartment) has more money than sense and misses out on the adventure of travelling in an open carriage with at least one random Russian person sitting/sleeping opposite you across a small table. It’s actually a bit like Blind Date, except you don’t get to ask three questions loaded with sexual innuendo before picking your travelling companion and there’s no shrill Liverpudlian hag commenting on the whole thing. There’s a positive side to everything.

Whilst in Yaroslavl I went on a weekend trip to St Petersburg which involved overnight trains there and back. I can’t say the outward trip was overly pleasant; my moronic travelling partner started a conversation with the man sitting opposite us, who turned out to be on the train with two friends. These two friends joined us and then the three of them got drunk and refused to let us sleep until they’d all gone for a cigarette, at which point I managed to make my bed and dive under the covers quicker than a seasoned military veteran.

The return journey, on the other hand, was much better and makes number four on my list of most memorable Russia moments. At first glance it couldn’t have been much worse – me in a carriage full of high-school children. I got on board the train, trying to avoid physical contact with the slimy young people, and made my way to my seat, only to find it was occupied by two young girls and approximately fifty handbags. A second-class carriage in Russia is made up of several open compartments with six places to sleep. It appears I was sharing a compartment with five girls. One of them started talking to me, but I was still too busy taking in the situation to understand. At this point I made what turned out to be a rather good decision: I told them I was English.

As soon as I’d finished the sentence I noticed that everybody in the carriage had stopped their conversations and was now looking at me and this girl. As far as I’m aware, all Russian schoolchildren have English lessons, but I doubt they really learn a lot from them. This girl made a face as if she was trying to formulate an English sentence in her head, but soon gave up and repeated her statement in Russian. It turned out she wanted to swap places with me so that she could sleep with her friends and I could sleep on the top bunk to the side. I agreed – a response met with squeals and a small round of applause from the group of girls. I’m not sure if this was because they got to sleep together or because they were able to communicate their request to me.

So now they knew I was English, and a nice one who gives up his seat at that, I spent the next hour or so with various Russian schoolchildren coming up to me asking random questions: how old are you? Why are you in Russia? Do you have a girlfriend? Do you have a boyfriend? One of the accompanying teachers gave me some Russian sweets and a flagon of tea, presumably for helping the children practice their limited English. I was then invited to play cards, although at that point I had absolutely no idea how to play ‘Durak’, the eponymous Russian card game. I still won, though.

After a while I thought about going to bed. I climbed onto my precarious bunk and lay there for a while. After the teachers had gone to sleep one of the students approached and asked if I drink beer. Of course – high-school students on a train without adult supervision equals alcohol consumption. We drank and they tried to teach me Russian swear words. We exchanged email addresses and I never heard from them again. Always the way…

Not that I’d want to be in contact with scummy little schoolchildren anyway.